It's become something of a running joke about the fact that i break down in tears when I'm preaching or even just talking with others, whether it's during Saturday early morning prayer, staff Oikos or service. I've tried to make light of it in order to perhaps make it stop. I assure you that nowhere in my personal sermon notes do I have any notation "cry here for dramatic effect." My season of weeping has been going on now for hmmm, let's see - 5 or 6 years now! I can recall back then when things were starting to happen to me in my spiritual growth., I was in my car driving northbound on I-270. I didn't have any particular thing weighing on my mind but as I was on the highway driving past NCFC I started crying- bawling actually. Now that's just plain weird.
I'm not quite sure about what exactly is occurring when I get that emotional. It's definitely not as though I'm in grief but moreso because I'm relieved and touched that God would still bother to be present and at work in my heart and mind despite my many screwups. I guess it also has something to do with the fact that for 40-plus years I had been blind to certain anger issues that in the last two to three years since seminary I've had to finally confront for maybe the first time in my life. I won't bore you with the details of all of that but I think maybe it's God's way of breaking me down- breaking down a lot of hurt and dysfunction that had manifested over the years which were damaging to my relationships as a husband, father and brother in Christ.
It's embarrassing to be sure to breakdown like that in public. I don't mind the emotional part at all when I'm by myself or standing in the congregation anonymously but who knows, maybe a dose of public humiliation now and again is good for the soul too. I know most guys would prefer to be more stoic and non-expressive of emotions because we tend to associate emotion with effeminate weakness. And none of us guys want to appear as complete wimps. But I think the Spirit moves in that emotional realm. So when we build up those walls by denying this response I think we lose out on those transforming moments of love and grace that God wants for everyone, even the tough guys. Amen to that.
From Pastor Mark’s Heart
October 14, 2012