Recently During Bedtime Prayers with 9-yr Old Son:
Me: . . . and Lord I pray that I will be a better daddy tomorrow than I was today, and I thank you that I was a better daddy today than I was yesterday and I thank you for . . .
Son: uh, wait a minute, you weren't a better daddy today than you were yesterday.
Me: oh . . . sorry. (wife chuckling in the background)
I posted this the other day on facebook. It happened several weeks ago but has been yet another reminder to me of my ongoing personal journey of redemption and transformation. You gotta love how children can be so honest about their feelings- “Out of the mouths of babes” is the expression I think. I respect and also love my son Julian’s perspective. He keeps me in check. I also think I have a lot to make up for.
You see for the first 5 years or so of his life I was very hard on him. In short, I was never abusive but in my mind I was giving him discipline and life lessons all in the name of “good parenting.” In actuality I was impatient, quick to anger and utterly crushing him and he was a sensitive little kid to begin with. This was the pervasive subtle sin in my life that had been ongoing for far too long.
Part of my testimony I’ve shared in recent years has been the realization that I was blind for so many years to certain deep-seated anger issues (mine were related to being an adopted Korean) that threatened my relationship with my son, my wife, friendships and anyone else I ever cared about in life. Well, I was so pathetically prideful and ignorant that it took 40- plus years and 3 years of seminary but I finally saw the light. I truly praise God for that, better late than never.
One time last year Julian and I were talking and I asked him what his earliest childhood memory was. I expected him to say something fun and positive like when we played baseball or when he learned to ride a bike. Far from it. He proceeded to tell me it was that one time (when he was about 4) and Mom was away for the weekend and it was just him and I at home. For whatever reason I got so angry with him that he had to stay in his room on his red racecar bed and he ended up eating a bowl of ramen for dinner sitting on his bed trembling in tears. Man, that just hurt when he told me that was one of his childhood memories. But I have to live with that and maybe I ought to as a reminder (and penance) of how destructive I acted towards the very things I held dear.
The only reason I can openly share these embarrassing moments is that I feel an assurance that God is now in greater control of my life. I’ve seen how my life was going walking apart from the Lord and it wasn’t pretty. I can’t undo the harm I caused to my relationships in the past, but by God I can allow myself to be broken of that awful perpetuating life condition from here on out.
I’ve since apologized to my son many, many times for daddy’s bad behavior, especially for the red racecar bed incident. We can at least talk about that now and even laugh it off a little too. Thank God that children do seem to have a greater capacity to forgive than we adults. But as I’ve learn from Scripture (1 John 3) I can apologize all I want with words but Julian won’t truly appreciate my love for him I received from the Lord unless I strive to provide “good parenting” with patience and grace over time through my actions and in truth. Amen to that.
From Pastor Mark’s Heart
February 24, 2013