I received Jesus back in March of 2002. That first year things looked so bright! I couldn't wait for Sunday - excited and in wonder of how I would experience God's grace that week.....but over the years, three kids later and with a job that had me out of town just about every week, I began to lose touch with God. Then three years ago, my son Steven was diagnosed with epilepsy. I was devastated. I prayed to God as I had not done in a long time, and miraculously Steven went from 10% chance of normal development to "normal" literally overnight. The diagnosis was so pessimistic, that I had no doubt in my mind that this was nothing but the Grace of God. But of course, as tightly as I had clung to the Lord when things looked black, as Steven became better, my prayers diminished day by day until I didn't remember God's grace anymore. I vaguely remembered in my mind, but my heart and soul had forgotten.
Over the past two years, with the stresses of the job and family, I had almost forgotten god altogether. I came to Church when I had a chance, and at the slightest excuse I would skip. I resented the idea that I had to spend all day in Church...I wanted instead to rest from the work week by sleeping at home. So when the 40 day revival came up I just wrote it off. In my own mind I had decided that it would be too much of a burden, and that I would not be missed.
So I didn't attend the first week at all. That weekend, during oikos, I felt a twinge of guilt as I heard my fellow brothers and sisters talk about their plans to attend...so half from guilt, and half from a sense of duty, I pledged to attend the following Monday that week.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but as I got up to get ready, I was crisp and awake in a way that was unusual for me. The morning worship was enjoyable in that it was pleasant in a way I hadn't experienced at Sunday worship in a while. The pleasant experience convinced me to give it another try the next day.....but it didn't turn out like I had imagined. The Tuesday worship was so hard to take....maybe it was that I arrived 10 minutes late, but I just could not get into it....so there it went. I prayed to God sincerely to touch my heart so that I could feel his presence, but there was nothing...it felt as if I was alone. I decided I had been right, that I had done my duty, that my prayer fell on deaf ears..and I would not come back again during the week....
But last Sunday evening, my oikos leader Deacon Oh, sent out a group text saying I had promised to be there the following day. I didn't remember making that promise, but I just went. Not even sure of why, but that day, Monday the 28th, changed everything.....
From the first verse of music, I could feel God, I could feel his love, not just in my heart but with my whole body. God touched my heart in a way I hadn't experienced in almost 10 years. That evening when I went home, I could sense that my wife was not so happy...probably because of my...thought I did not know for sure. So the next day I went thinking that I wanted to pray for her that day. And I did, but this day I prayed as I had not in a long time. That day I prayed for my dad, my mom, my brother in law, and the lost went on and on... That day I yelled 주여! For the first time in prayer ever. I prayed without regard to anyone around me.
That day I finally learned that I had spent the last few years angry at God for having abandoned me...or so I thought because I could not feel his presence in my heart...but I learned that it was not him. I had been too lazy. I had been living in the delusion that I could just coast on without any effort on my part. I finally realized that being holy was not about a one time transformation, but rather a daily struggle...and one that would not be complete until I am dead.
So I went again on Wednesday. On Thursday I pushed back a meeting in New York so that I could attend...with the idea that I would miss Friday because I was be out of town, but God would not allow it. My meeting on Thursday afternoon was cancelled because multiple people had either miss communicated or were not available so I was able to return early and attend on Friday as well. Good thing too, because I learned another important lesson that day. I learned that as the "male" of the house I should take the lead in the spiritual life of my household. The thing is that I had always relied on my wife to rally the kids in the morning to come to church....and I had blamed her when we were late....but I realized that I should be the one to take the lead. So this morning, I pushed everyone out the door 10 minutes early so that we would not miss a single minute. Every minute was precious to me.
My plan right now is to attend every day for the remainder of the 40 days, if not physically via web when I am out of town.
This long story seems disproportionate and silly for having attended just one week up until now...but if I measure the grace that I have received, the lessons I have learned, and the number of times that I will attend against what I had planned....which was zero, zero, zero...than this is a significant milestone to my Christian life.